Uncle Northcott’s Movie Reviews

Ex stink ion is more like it.Milla Jovovich has the acting abilty of a russian supermodel. Oh wait thats what she is.Her emotional range runs the gamut from A to B. Once again she plays Alice, a lab created superwoman battling zombies created by a virus that got loose from the Umbrella Corp. The virus is worldwide now and Umbrella wants to catch Alice so they can use her to make a vaccine. Alice hooks up with some survivors who want to head to Alaska where they think other uninfected humans are. They dont get far before Umbrella intercepts them and the survivors-zombie-Umbrella war begins. If You’ve seen the first 2 movies I’m sure you know the drill. Good stuff: desert Las Vegas looked cool and infected birds attacking the convoy was good. Dumb stuff: Alice turning into one of the X-Men and destroying things with mind power. Capturing a helicopter and the convoy leader just happens to know how to fly it. Lazy writing. This is supposed to be the last Resident Evil but it made money at the box office so I’m sure there will be more. How about Resident Evil: Resurrection
followed by Resident Evil: Redundent, then Resdent Evil: Polident followed by Resident Evil: Incontinent and then they can wrap it up with Resident Evil Retirement: Zombies in Miami. Here in Texas we’re starring in Non Resident Evil: Illegal Imigrant invasion. Now thats scary.

Remember when William Robert Thornton aka Billy Bob was an actor with depth and complexity? I guess those days are gone. Like Chris Walken, B.B.T has started doing the same thing over and over again. Here he plays a harsh, grumpy gym teacher not to be confused with the baseball coach in Bad News Bears or the thief in Bad Santa. Now nobody plays burned out old angry guy like B.B.T. but something more from a gifted writer- director would be nice. Double B plus T plays the title character, a rough gym teacher who torments the weak kids especially Seann Scott, Stiffler from the wretched American Pie movies who grows up to be a writer of best selling self help books. He stops by his hometown when he wins the key to the city and when he visits his mom he’s horrified to learn shes going to marry Woodcock. His mother is played by the reprehensible slag Susan Sarandon. Its interesting, from an anthropological standpoint, that as Sarandon ages gracelessly shes devolving into a more masculine Alec Baldwin. Anyway Stiffler wants to break them up but every plan backfires. Theres alot of humiliation humor, (humoriliation?), the type thats usually in a Ben Stiller movie. Of course everyone learns their lesson, reconciles and learns to live together. Blah blah retch blah. A wrestling match between Woodcock and Stiffler, Amy Pouler as Stifflers agent and a crazy little kid who also wants to get Woodcock are the high points of a very average comedy. If you like Bill Bob or Seann Scott and want to see better and funnier watch Bad Santa or The Rundown.

Finally truth in advertising! This is another movie in a genre I call “Judds sugar porn”. Its a film thats dirty,raunchy and sexually explicit while having a sweet message in it. Anything with Judd Apatows name on it like 40 year old virgin or Knocked Up follows this pattern. Virgin was genius while Knocked Up was ok and so is Superbad.Its about 2 nerds who want to have sex before they leave high school. Theres the usual stereotypes involved: loud, obnoxious fat kid,thin sensitive kid, their supernerd friend, the superhot girls they lust after etc etc. The nerds are trying to get booze for a popular girls party,but are underage so they spend most of the movie scheming to get some. The usual arguments, misunderstandings and the like happen like in all teen sex comedys but this has alot of serious parts that slow it down. Jonah Hill plays the fat, angry kid whos so over the top hostile that its hard to believe anyone would be his friend. The best character is played by Michael Cera. He’s like George Michael from Arrested Development but with an “R” ratig. Theres some funny stuff here but the long slow parts really hurt the film. Of course we have the obligatory happy ending with the hot girls getting with the dorks. In school I was a dork. I’m so cool now that Johnny Depp calls me for cool advice, but there was a time I had a bad case of the nerds. Guess how many popular, hot girls I hooked up with? NONE! I would pick-up and chew their used gum just to taste their lipstick! Hot high school girls hate nerds. Its the law of the high school jungle. Are you unsure if your a nerd? Do you watch Star Wars and say all the lines with the characters? Have Star Wars music in your wedding? Play Halo? NERD ALERT NERD ALERT. This is Master Chief Boba Fett signing off. Over and out.

Hey, Dan Folger! Jack Black called, and he wants his DNA back.

Folger gives a pudgy, wild-eyed, twitchy performance where he’s obviously channeling Jack Black. Folger plays a ping pong prodigy who as a child goes to the olympics, where his dad bets on him. He fails, and the mobsters kill his dad.

Flash forward a few years and he’s doing ping pong tricks in Reno in a dingy theater were he’s recruited by the FBI to infilterate a ping pong tournament run by the same criminals who killed his dad. The crime lord is played by Chris Walken who chews so much scenery that he could crap out enough props for a broadway play.

This comedy is a parody of Enter The Dragon and The Karate Kid. The funniest stuff are the training scenes with the great James Hong as a blind ping pong master. The hot Maggie Q plays the love interest but has little to do.

Is it me, or has Walken stopped acting and now he’s the worlds greatest Christopher Walken impressionist? What happened to the Dear Hunter True Romance guy? The man has an Academy Award and all he does now is parody himself. I guess with the films he makes now he doesn’t have to stretch himself. Being in multiple Adam Sandler movies is like putting a badger in your pants–you’re going to get a few scars to your talent. Balls Of Fury is an ok comedy, short, not too vulgar, and if you liked Dodgeball, you’ll like this one.

Prepare yourself for the sacrilege boys and girls, but this one is better than the original. Yes, yes, the original is a classic, but this one has an advantage . . . nothing supernatural.

Michael Myers, Freddie Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Pinhead, Shia Labeouf are all unstoppable, unkillable evil machines. This makes the killers uninteresting and their films repetitive. Same thing over and over. You know, repetitive. Over and over. Killer wakes up, kills teenagers (no problem here, I work in a mall so I know) 1 or 2 survive the carnage and the killer is burned, frozen or whatever till the next installment.

Yawn.

Rob Zombie’s Halloween has a more psychological storyline: Child abuse=animal abuse=serial killer. This seems to be the pattern when I read about maniacs in the newspaper. This and “He was a very quiet man, very quiet we didn’t expect him to snap.” No kidding.

The first Halloween showed little of Michael’s childhood, whereas this one shows how Michaels environment created the killer. A far more realistic telling of a serial killers path. Some scenes from the original are used in the new one, but a whole new take on the subject is in effect here. This Michael picks and chooses his victims logically. Daeg Faerch, who plays young Mikey, is suitably creepy, by turns sympathetic then violent.

Good performances, sad story, violent and scary. If you like horror films, don’t miss this one.

Next:Balls of Fury