Uncle Northcott’s Movie Reviews

AVP=Alien VS. Predator. R is for requiem. Well at least its better than the first one. Faint praise indeed. This one starts where the first one ended with an alien popping out of a dead predator. This alien is 1/2 alien, 1/2 predator and quickly runs amok causing the ship to crash. Soon the facehuggers escape the downed ship and scamper into the forest to pick daisies, eat s’mores and lay eggs in the chest cavitys of hunters. It doesen’t take long before aliens are popping up like deep space hemorrhoids. Not really a suprise since their home planet is Uranus. Cheap joke I know. Meanwhile on the predators home planet, the predators version of Jack Bauer is sent to Earth to stop the madness. Soon this 1 lonely predator is fighting aliens, cops,military and humans of all types. The non-discript actors are stepin’ and fetchin’ like their head is on fire and their ass is a catchin’. Their trying to get out of town while shady government types try to stop the outbreak. I wont spoil the “suprises” but since this is paint by numbers film making I doubt you’ll be suprised. Theirs alot of deviating from the established alien story like a alien/predator hybrid. What? they have never absorbed their victims DNA before. The aliens also mature much faster than at any time before. Its bad writing to change things just to move the story along. This movie is rated “R” so its automatically better than the first one, and its an ok horror film. So if you like monster movies and want to kill a couple of hours you could do worse. I heard this is the number one film in Stephenville Texas. Next: Juno

What in the wide wide world of sports is going on? A couple of weeks ago Brad Renfro dies, now Heath Ledger goes to the great Brokeback Mountain in the sky.

Renfro was no surprise, as he had a well-known booze and heroin problem, but you never heard that about Ledger. Maybe it wasn’t an accidental drug o.d. but intentional one. Reports say there were sleeping pills all around. If it were suicide, then what the heck. First Owen Wilson tries, then Ledger does it. Is being a rich, handsome movie star that stressful? What beautiful woman to sleep with? What 4-star restuarant to eat for free at? What hot club to get my drinks comped at. What free everything do I want and want now?

How long would these guys last in the real world? Unstopping sewer lines all day only to come home to a 300 LB wife that was 100 LBS when you married her. Shes been eating chocolate cherries while Orca Winfrey convinces her she deserves better than you. Beenie Weenies for dinner while 3 spawns of Satan projectile vomit on the cat. Maybe reality would have helped them cope. Maybe they have pressures I dont realise. Anyway, good bye Joker. Its been real. Its been fun. But not real fun.

I’m a genius. I know because everyone tells me at some point “Nice move genius”. So I got that going for me. So now let me spew my genius-osity : when making a musical based on a stage play you should cast perfomers with a background in musical theater! A novel concept I know. The leads in Todd, Depp, Carter, Rickman aren’t compelling singers, which they make abundantly clear. Repeatedly. Being able to hold a note does not a singer make. While I was watching the overriding feeling I had was “Wow is this thing mis-cast”. Now the secondary actors are all excellent singers, which makes the different abilities between them and the primary actors startling and not in a good way. The writer, Stephen Sonheim, wanted Tim Burton so bad that he rubber stamped Burtons friend and girlfrind to play the leads. He betrayd his masterpiece. This is a grey movie but shot very well and the set pieces are great like all Burton films but this is a cold,remote movie. As a fan of the play I wished it was better. Be forewarned that there are scenes of graphic gore. Straightrazors across the throat will do that. Diden’t hate it- diden’t love it, just felt it was a wasted opportuniy. After Tim Burtons last few films I’m starting to wonder if he’s lost his touch. I’m also wondering if Depp is as good as advertised. His Capt. Jack was an impression of Keith Richards while Wonka was Michael Jackson and Todd is a meaner Capt. Jack. Actor or impressionist You decide. I’ll go back to my genius work now. Is that a Jolly Rancher in my navel? Next: AVP-R

Well 2007 is over. I spent the year emulating monks thru quiet contemplation. I now realize that monks are full of bean ‘n franks, so the word for ‘08 is “binge”. Eating, drinking, body modification, heck everything. I think monk is short for monkey and who wants to spend their days throwing poop and chattering incoherently. Even I stopped that a few years ago.

Anyway, here’s my best/worst list for ‘07.

Good: Pan’s Labyrinth and Hot Fuzz. Pan’s Labyrinth is beautiful and sad while Fuzz was funny and over the top.

Better: Daywatch. Excellent good vs. evil sci-fi.

Best: No Country For Old Men. Great film from top to bottom, and should get many Oscar nods. A must see.

Whats brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG. That also describes the next few turds.

Messengers was a boring, non-scary horror film. Seraphim Falls was an incoherent mess. Children of Men was nonsense. My 2nd worst rectal cramp is Sunshine. Badly written, badly acted, and the single stupidest ending I’ve seen . . . maybe ever. Any other year, this thing would have taken the top spot.

And the big loser is: Spiderman 3. How do I hate thee?Let me count the ways.

1. Overlong.
2. Complete waste of a great villain, Venom.
3. Toby dancing like a gay West Side Story reject.
4. A copout plot device where a bad guy turns good at just the right time for the hero. Yes folks, this truly was 10 pounds of horse manure in a 5 pound bag.

How about some more good stuff to wash away the bad taste?

Best book: The Road by Cormac Mccarthy.

Best concert: Muse.

Best CD: Highway Companion by Tom Petty.

Best new T.V. show: Reaper.

Best cable show: Flight of the Conchords.

Best older show I just discovered: Corner Gas.

Great shows that ended: Tie between Black Books and Extras.

Best Porn: Made you look, naughty reader. You should be punished by spanking and tickling. You’re naughty, and thats what I like about You.

In all, an ok ‘07. Heres to an even better ‘08.