Uncle Northcott’s Movie Reviews

We have a contender for worst movie of the year! This is a sad, depressing mess. The usually reliable Will Ferrell plays the owner and power forward of the Flint Tropics, a bad ABA basketball team. A team called the Tropics, from Flint Michigan. Thats the funniest thing in the movie and that ain’t funny. Ferrell finds out that 4 teams will go to the NBA and the rest will fold, so he tries to get his team to take 4th place and average 2,000 fans a game. Ferrell trades for Woody Harrelson, an ex NBA’er to help the team win and having crazy events to draw fans. Sub plots involve Woody trying to win his ex-wife (Maura Tierny) back from her superfan husband and Andre 3000 maybe changing teams. This is the most joyless comedy ever. A bunch of bored, depressed basketball players= UNFUNNY. Semi-Pro is a rare “R” rated film from Ferrell so maybe it might be a good idea to stay at PG-13. Any movie that wastes Will Arnett and Maura Tierney is an abomination. Maura was hot in Newsradio but I think E.R. is sucking the life out of her. Shes looking a little long in the tooth. I am so long in the tooth that its not a tooth anymore its a tusk. Still I’d be happy to fling some Boom Boom Chicka Boom Boom on her if she asked me nice. I know, I’m a romantic at heart. Dont even watch Semi-Pro on basic cable. Even when your bored, and bedridden, and ill, with the green apple squirts. Even if you have to crawl to change the channel, do it. A trip to the emergency room is preferable to Semi-Pro.

2-4-1! Jumper:Your lost in the woods. Its quiet, freezing cold. You need a fire. Death is imminent. Wait! you do have the means to make a fire! Whip out your portable DVD player and watch anything with Hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba. These 2 sticks of wood, rubbed togeather will make a fire! Boy scouts should have a merit badge for Hayden carving. In Jumper HC plays a very tasteful oak table. HA HA. No he plays a type of human who can teleport from place to place just by concentrating hard. Theres little back story to explain this abilty. As a whippersnapper HC has an accident and runs off to live on his own. He robs banks to fund his extravagant lifestyle. This brings him to the attention of “The Paladens”. For centuries they have killed Jumpers. Sam L. Jackson is their hitman and goes after HC. Thats right movie buff, just mumbo jumbo to show 1 1/2 hours of effects. HC joins up with another Jumper and its war time with Sam L. But beware theres no conclusion here. This is nothing but a set up for sequels. Movie review part 2: U23D. I was the only person in the theater. There were NO commercials and only 1 preview! Now thats movie going. I like U2 and have seen them twice in concert but this is really just a forum for Pope Saint Mother Teresa Bono to toss out his political world view. At a scant 75 minutes tho, its tolerable. Is it just me or does Bono, while trying to help people, seem like a real humorless drag to be around? Its like he feels that the music isn’t enough to put him with the John Lennons of music history. It reeks of megalomania and desperation. 3D has come a long way since the red and blue lense days. It looked great and the preview was for the first live action movie made for this new 3D technology. Its “Journey to the Center of the Earth” with Brenden Fraser. The theater manager was telling me that people were scalping Hanna Montana tickets while no one was seeing U2. I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, KIDS HAVE NO TASTE! If its not the Beatles, Stones, Old 97s or The Shins kids should only hear orders from their parents and teachers. Free range children, like cobras can be dangerous. They should be penned up till their civilised enough to join polite society. Maybe when their 30. Next: Semi pro

Any movie with Ernest Borgnine (age only known thru carbon dating) cant be all bad. Can it? No only about 40% bad. This movie is a balancing act between 2 extremely likible actors-Steve Zahn, Justin Long and 2 of Adam Sandlers nepotistic butt boils Allen Covert and Peter Dante. We get it Sandler, you like them, we dont. They suck so much that their suckitude can pull comets out of orbit. Thats right, their suckosity alters astrophisics. Their like a vacuum, they suck and blow at the same time. Adam I’m sure they make you laugh after a few cold ones, and a few bong hits but theres a reason why “Grandmas Boy” flopped and no one but you hires them. Get some new, more talented boyfriends Sandler. The Greatness of Zahn saves this one. This ones pretty funny wih a couple of very funny parts. The Great Zahn plays the son of a famous wild animal t.v. show host. When The Great Zahn becomes the host, the ratings get so bad that the t.v. station is going to cancel the show. A crazy mountain man friend of The Great Zahn gives him a way to save the show. A map to find BIGFOOT. The Greatness, Pot Head Justin, The Obligatory Hot Chick/Love Interest, The Fat Guy From Superbad and Sandlers 2 anal warts head to South America in a race with another nature show to find Bigfoot. Keep in mind that this is a “R’ rated comedy so if your easily offended dont see this. Of course if you were easily offended you would’ent be reading my reviews. SO PARTY ON!!! My next review will be a double feature. Jumper and U2-3D.