Uncle Northcott’s Movie Reviews

Theres a show on The Sundance Channel called Iconoclasts. One episode had Mike Myers interviewing Deepak Chopra, (Deep Crap Clap Trap) about his books on self-help thru Indian philosophy. As You can tell I’m not big on self-help jabberwocky, so naturally I was afraid that The Love Guru would be nothing but an infomercial for Myers new belief system. Well bust my britches and bless my soul thats exactly what it is. I picture a Mike Myers writing session as “write down my beliefs, then add all the tired, unfunny, rejected ideas from the Austin Powers scripts so I can educate the ignorant, unwashed masses! Yea me!” Um Mike? Want to make me happy? Make me laugh. I’m really not inteested in, and tired of hearing about celebs beliefs. Religious, political, environmental, I don’t care what a bunch of coked up bulimics think. Your in the ENTERTAINMENT business so ENTERTAIN me, don’t preach to me. Whats the movie about? A Guru gets hired to help a Maple Leafs hockey player get back with his wife. If he does he gets $2 million and a guest shot on The Orca, um I mean Oprah Show. Everyone gets enlightenment and is very happy happy joy joy the end. Really its just unfunny puns, penis and dwarf jokes. For a movie about love, peace and self betterment, its awfully mean spirted toward little people. Besides penis jokes are not funny. The penis itself is not funny. Hanging around, staring with its 1 unblinking eye. Creepy. At least Ben Kingsley and 1 expression (wooden) Jessica Alba draw a paycheck from this dreck. Worst written movie EVER. Even worse than my script “Fart Monsters From Planet Booger.” Or was it “Booger Monsters From Planet Fart?” Anywho to protest Myers Indian beliefs I’m going to eat a cow. Whole. With extra hoofs. Dont even watch this on free T.V. Next: I Dunn No

On a scale of 1 to 300 million I’d give Hulk a 150 million. Its alright, nothing to write home about. Or write about on a website. Ha Ha. Ed Norton Plays a mopey Bruce Banner ( The Incredible Sulk?) whos hiding in Brazil from the Army led by General “Thunderbolt” Ross. Ross wants to dissect Hulk to make a serum so he can make super soldiers. The Army, after some help from Stan Lee, tracks Hulk down and theres a fight between Hulk and a Tim Roth led group. Hulk/Banner escapes and heads to Virginia to meet up with a Doctor who might can help him. He also hooks up with Thunderbolts daughter Betty. Tim Roth wants to level the playing field in CGI Hulk fights 2 and 3, so Thunderbolt injects him with a crude Hulk serum making him “THE ABOMINATION.” In other words a pale, spiny bad Hulk. Yes your right, nothing but storytelling ga-ga to string together loud Hulk on Hulk action. Wow that sounds dirty. Thats also why Hulk is nowhere near Iron Man in good movie making. Theres a few winks at the T.V show like a Lou Ferrigno cameo, mail addressed to David B. etc etc. A lot of good actors like Norton, William Hurt, Tim Blake “We thought you was a toad” Nelson are in Hulk, but I’m not sure why as they have little to do. Personally I never could connect with Hulk. Batman, Iron Man, Spiderman, any superhero with Man in their name who still look semi-human is easier to connect to than an obvious CGI cartoon whos scenes look like a video game. Plus the Hulk vs. mutant dogs fight in Ang Lees Hulk movie is better than anything in this one. Now the preview for Clone Wars looks great. In Hulk talk ” Hulk ok not special.” Next: The Love Guru because I hear M. Shaboogie Night Sham-i-lam-a-ding-dongs Happening is awful.

Its time for hollywoods 6 month report card. I’m 1/2 a year older and other than having to eat a giant redwood amount of roughage to produce a porcelain air raid I’m allright. Well whats been good so far: 5. Juno-not realistic but funny in spots. 4. Strange Wilderness-my Nieces fav movie. VERY DUMB but some funny stuff in it. 3. Run Fat Boy Run-very predictable but you can’t go wrong with a Simon Pegg movie. 2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall- would have been #1 if not for the full frontal male nudity. Still, great job by Jason Siegel. 1. Iron Man- Awesome to the point of supercalifragillisticawesome. Now thats awesome. Effects,acting just a must see. Now a list of the must not see. Useless crap from the minds of the crap people. 5. Juno- Very cloying, a teen talking like a 35 year old former stripper. 4. Sweeny Todd- Looking at the talent involved this should have been alot better. 3. Jumper- Good effects sabotaged by the “acting” of Hayden Christensan and Sam L. Jackson. 2. The Ruins- Stupid story, laughable monster, bad ending just a waste of time. And now, drum roll please 1. Semi-pro. This is as fun as puking in a helmet. That your we aring. Unfunny, sad, depressing a pall over every frame of a supposed comedy. A few more like this and Will Ferrell will be Rob Schneider. Not Good. Next; Either Hulk or The Happening.