Uncle Northcott’s Movie Reviews

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank You for coming on this sad occasion. Would everyone please rise, Gentlemen remove your hats and lets have a moment of silence for the dear departed X-Files. Its passed away and should have a closed casket funeral. A closed theater would be a better choice. The X-Files were, at one time, a giant of creativity in its first 7 years. It then sputtered to an end in seasons 8-9. The alien mythology was muddled and the overall writing had gone south, so after 1 bad movie the show should have gone into eternal rest and all us Philes could remember the good times. Genius episodes like “Humbug”, “Jose Chung”, ” Clyde Bruckman”, “Bad Blood” Etc. These always bring a smile to my face. Then, like a zombie in a George Romero film, the X-Files are again stalking the Earth. After almost a decade on the shelf and The Files now a distant memory comes “I Want to Believe.” It should be titled ” I Cant Believe this Dreck was Made.” Its not the worst movie ever, but like the most recent Indy Jones movie theres no point to it. These movies add nothing to their legacy, only tarnish them. Like a very average X-Files T.V. episode, Mulder & Scully have left the F.B.I. Scully is now a surgeon while Mulder is basically doing nothing. When an F.B.I Agent goes missing and the only lead the bureau has is a defrocked Priest who says he’s a psychic. The Agent in charge asks for Mulders help since He’s worked cases like this before. Soon others go missing and their in the middle of a seriel case. Scully, in the meantime, is trying to save a boy with a brain disease. The whole movie is about belief, hope, trust and never giving up. Fine, but at least be scary, fun, interesting or anything but this joyless dirge. This is badly written, illogical and when its at its supposedly most horrifying moment, its laughable. When I first heard about X-Files 2 the first thing I did was find out who wrote it. Uh oh its by Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz. When series creator Carter was working on other projects he left The Files in Spotnitz less than capable hands. Spotnitz then did everything in his power to run the show into the ground. His scripts and choices of storylines were awful, and sadly nothings changed. I knew without seeing a single frame The X-Files 2 would be bad. So lets bow our heads. Lets shed a few tears and forget the sad ending of our dear friend and remember the good times we had with Mulder& Scully. Lets also pray that the X-Files Zombie never rises again. Its gone. Let it rest in peace. Goodbye my friend. Amen. Next: Step Brothers

Brendan Fraser sure has a big box head. In 2D its big, but in 3D it reminds me of Easter island statues. I can say that because in here theres no statue of limitations. HA HA. I dont dislike the guy but Man O Manacheviz thats a big head. Box head plays a scientist whos brother vanished 10 years ago. Saddled with his petulant nephew (reminds me of my nephew. Yes the same one who wouldn’t take me to see Batman) Cabasa Gigante seismographs go off, so him and the boy head off to Iceland to find their Bro/Father. The Great Box Head hires a hot guide (natch) and they head up the mountain. A lightning storm traps them in a cave and soon their following clues to the Earths core. If they were nasty about the trip would that make them rotten to the core? HA HA. Sorry I’ve been tapping into the cider again. I dont want to spoil anything so I’ll let the movie spring its surprises on you itself. Theres some nice set pieces and the 3D looks good. Of course theres things coming at you. Spooky spooky. The kids in the theater seemed to enjoy it and since its primarily for them I wont be harsh about the film. Its really just 90 min. of cool 3D effects. I still think Crate & Barrel Head peaked in Encino Man. I wouldn’t watch this without the 3D but its suitable for the whole family. Even the creepy cousin you keep locked in the root cellar. After the film I got a wicked bad headache. I’m not sure if it was the 3D glasses or sinus. When Brendan Fraser gets a headache Hollywood sends out tsunami warnings. And might kill the lad. Next: Either X-Files 2 or Step Brothers. I’m very wary about Step Bros. This is Will Ferrells 2nd R-rated comedy after Semi-Pro and that one gave me a cholera expulsion.

Overrated dreck. This train wreck made me miss the greatness of Adam West and Cesar Romero. HA HA fooled You. This is the best Batman, Superhero, Graphic Novel (comic book) movie and one of the best films I’ve seen in many a moon. You’ve seen the commercials so I wont re-cap the plot, so let me just say see it for the classic elements of responsibility, love, image, perception, need, honour and yes insanity. Heath Ledger gives a great performance as Joker. This is NOT the goofy, campy Jokers of lore. This is a whole differant animal all together. Joker is worth the price of admission alone. The Dark Knight is a sweeping epic. A must see. The preview for another Terminator looked ok. Makes me miss Arnold Sausage-Maker. Now the preview for Watchmen looked great. I’m going to have to read the graphic novel (comic book) cause I have no idea what was happening. An awesome Brit comedy series is finally released here. Its “Spaced” the complete series., Its written by and starring Simon Pegg. Very funny and very surreal. Next: Journy to the center of the earth 3d.

The greatness of Guillermo Del Toros imagination is in full force here. If You’ve seen Pans Labyrinth You know what I mean. Too bad He did’ent imagine a better story. They call him Hell BOY cause in this movie he’s whiny, petulant and sulks pretty much thru the whole movie. All the original actors are back in this tale of the Golden Army. A few millennia ago humans had a war with the Faires, Trolls, Elves and the like. Basically a war against the Lord Of The Rings cast. Orlando Bloom mostly. Especially Orlando Bloom. The Elf King had an invincible Golden Army built, but after seeing all the bloodshed the King made a truce with mankind. Humans get the cities and his people get the forest. The crown that controls the Golden Army was then broken into 3 pieces, 1 for Humans and 2 for himself. The Kings son, angry at the truce, goes into exile till he can get the crown pieces and lead the Golden Army. Flash forward a few hundred years and the Prince starts his collection. Hellboys Father died in part 1 so now HB is uncontrollable, so the Government (USA USA) assigns a new leader to the team, Johann Krauss a German whos made entirely out of mist. Or smoke. Or gas I’m not really sure. Soon the by the book German Gasman (Ger-gas?) and HB are at odds. So is HB and Gal Pal Fire Girl Liz. So theres lots of bickering between action scenes. Luckily the action scenes are vintage Del Toro. A Troll market, the Elf Kings cave and the lair of the Golden Army are all masterfully realised with amazing creatures thru-out. Also on display is Del Toros love of gears, both the look and movement of them. A fight among giant moving gears that create a maze like arena is some great stuff. Go for the visuals, wade thru the melodrama. HellBoy 2 is rated PG-13 and is a shade under 2 hours. See this on the big screen. The preview for the next Bond movie looked good. The one for Death Race-not so much. Next: Oh let me see I don’t know. Oh yea BATMAN!!!!!!!

Whats the deal with schizophrenic movies these days? First Get Smart now Hancock. Will Smith plays the title character who is an angry, boozy misfit of a superhero. Whenever he comes to the rescue theres so much animosity and collateral damage that society hates him. One day The Fresh Prince, err I mean Hancock saves a P.R guy, (the great Jason Bateman) from a train/car wreck. To pay Hancock back, he tries to help him with his tattered image. Hancock has warrants so to get in the publics good graces he goes to anger and alcohol counselling while in jail. Soon the city needs him to foil a bank robbery, so he’s now seen the light to a better world. About now theres a huge plot twist that throws the movie in a whole new, less interesting diretion. I wont spoil the twist, but the movies tone changes abruptly from a meditative look at loneliness to some frantic effects and learning about your place in the world. The first 1/2 is the best part, and besides I’ve often wondered about peoples reaction to superheros killing innocent people and doing millions in damages just to catch 1 bad guy. Hancock is only 90 Minutes long but briskly paced and not bad after a promising start. Maybe a 6 1/2 on a scale of 11. This is the fifth number 1 July Forth film for Will Smith after two Men In Blacks, I Am Legend and Wild, Wild West. The Man’s big bank every summer. D.V.D of the week: Zodiac. Excellent, if a tad overlong, movie about the hunt for the late 1960s murderer. No extras on the single disc but some good background stuff on the 2 disc edition. Next: Either Hellboy or 3D Center of the Earth. I’m a sucker for 3D.