Uncle Northcott’s Movie Reviews

If I had a dog I’d name him Jabba The Mutt. Anyway The Clone wars takes place long, long ago and far,far away. I think we are talking about the 1950s and somewhere near Waco. Not sure but moviewise this takes place between Episode 2: Attack of the Clones and Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. The war is raging between The Galactic Republic (soon to become the Empire, Boo Hiss) and the Confederacy of Independant Systems( The Jedi’s and soon to be the Rebels, Hurray). The Evil Count DooDoo, er I mean Dooku has outer rim criminal leader Jabba the Hutts son kidnapped. The idea is to frame the Jedi and then Jabba will let them use his trade routes. Anakin “Vader”Skywalker ( cartoon Anakin is a much more expressive actor than Hayden Christianson) gets sent to retrieve Jabba’s son, but before he leaves he gets saddled with Ahsoka Tano, a wisecracking, teenage girl trainee. And heres where it gets disturbing folks. Anakin is in his early 20s and secretly married to Princess Amidala ( cartoon Amidala is a much better actor than Nat Portman) and with the looks, banter and having to care for Junior Jabba like parents, their somewhat romantic interaction seems rather creepy. Careful Annie or you’ll be Skywalking to prison. Anakin, Tano and Obi-Wan have lightsabre fights and spaceship battles all the way back to Jabba’s hut to return Stinky Hutt. The animation is ok tho some of the humans look kind of box like, but overall alright. The voices are mostly new and good with Sam L. Jackson, Chris Lee and Tony Daniels as the only hold overs. Really this movie is a 98 min. preview for the Cartoon Network Clone War series this fall. Nonetheless this is an entertaining watch and new Star Wars is always welcome. Especially when George Lucas did not write any of it. Now if you will allow me to lower the mood for a moment I have an Earth shattering confession to make. Well here it goes: I HATE YODA. There, now its out in the open. I despised the little toad from the moment I laid eyes on it. From his speech ( take an english class you will) to his old wino gait, he’s a fraud! He gimps around till someone tries to lightsaber his green butt, THEN he suddenly remembers he can move like lightning. I call FAKER! FAKER FAKER BELLYACHER! Yoda is nothing but a short Jar-Jar Binks. Blah says I. If your in the mood to have a laugh, and who isn’t these days, both Family Guy and Robot Chicken have Star Wars parodys out on d.v.d now. The Clone Wars, check it out. Next: I’m not telling, You’ll have to wait. The suspense is killing me!

I guess I’m to old cause I just dont get it. Whatever you call it, Grass, Pot, Weed, Ganja its allure escapes me. Its everywhere. Pro athletes seem to only be interested it Tats, Money and Weed. A UFC fighter named Nick Diaz tested positive after a big fight. He was fined 1/2 his pay, was suspended from fighting in Las Vegas, lost his contract and all the big money fights that came with it. So, did he quit smoking pot? No he somehow got a Doctor to say he has A.D.D and needs to smoke pot for medical reasons! The Navada commission still suspended him but the boy won’t quit no matter what. Ricky Williams lost a N.F.L career because pot was more important to him. Crazy. I’m not on a soapbox I’m just confused. Pineapple Express is a stoner comedy about a drug dealer and his favorite customer. This is, if my math is correct the millionth movie that Judd Apatow has been involved in this year. Seth Rogan is a process server who buys his weed from James Franco. After getting the rare Pineapple Express weed, Rogan goes to serve papers but stops to smoke a joint outside the guys house. While smoking Rogan sees the guy and a Woman Cop shoot a man. Rogan panics, throws the joint out and speeds away. Well lo and behold the shooter is Francos pot source and he recognizes the half smoked joint. Sounds hilarious don’t it? The rest of the movie is one long chase scene punctuated by gruesome violence. Now don’t get me wrong, I loves me some gruesome violence, like ears shot off then someone tries to puzzle it back together. A guy getting crushed between 2 cars then getting his foot shot off. A guy getting shot over and over again but never dying. Funny stuff huh? Your right its not. Theres a couple of amusing parts but thats all folks. I thought it was me but there were 9 men and 1 woman in the theater and they weren’t laughing either. Dont belive the hype, this sucks. When I saw 2 SNL cretins and Evil Apatow in the credits I saw the writing on the wall. If you want funny Apatow, Rogan and Franco then rent “Freeks and Geeks,” a good T.V show they did a few years ago. Next: No Apatow- No SNL, as a matter of fact no real humans at all. The animated Star Wars- The Clone Wars is next. Once again Star Wars saves the day! Is there anything Star Wars can’t do? I think not.

Brendan Fraser STILL has a big head. After my brilliant piece of investigative journalism where I fearlessly exposed the “Fraser head” cover-up, you would think something would have been done by now. Soak the thing in ice water, use cgi effects or radical experimental plastic surgery maybe. Rest easy folks your intreped reporter will stay on this case (at great pesonal risk) as long as necessary. Or till his next movie. Or I get bored. Speaking of unnecessary, what the Sam Hill is Jet Li and the great Michelle Yeoh doing in this celluloid barfbag? The Chinese embassy should protest. Li and Yeoh have been in some of the best chop socky Asia has to offer. If their speaking Chinese and it looks like the movie cost $50 to make, its a keeper. I guess it was a good payday. Poor Michelle is in a Vin Diesel movie soon. First Fraser then Diesel. Wow that twosome will suck the talent out of anyone. Their both talent blackholes. I guess its not so bad for Jet since 75% of his screen time he’s hidden by cheeseball cgi as a dragon, mummy or something from “Where the Wild Things Are.” Good kids book by the way. In this the third (rhymes with turd coincidence? I think not) Mummy movie the O’Connells, played by Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello have retired to a home in jolly old England. Their 20 something son has quit collage to look for the Dragon Emperor so he can escape his parents shadow. After finding frozen Jet Li and his terra cotta soldiers, the O’Connells are asked to take a gemstone to ShangHai. The same stone some fanatic Chinese military types want so they can resurrect the undead Jet. Riveting stuff. After Jet wakes up, very cranky I might add, he heads to Shangri-la to become immortal. The O’Connells, with a couple of 3,000 year old mummy guardians and some Yeti give chase. Yes its so stupid my brain leaked out my ears and tried to make a break for it. This movie is nothing but loud, frantic bad cgi effects geared for pre-teens. Like Indy Jones and X-Files this is a sequel that doesn’t need to exist. All 3 are just a sad money grab that insults the first films. The only one that came out ok from this mess is the monkey hot Rachel Weisz. She played Frasers wife in the first two and was smart enough to pass on this. This is rated PG-13 and is a little under 2 hours. Not that it matters when your going to show good sense to avoid this. Next: Pineapple Express

I want a moratorium on Saturday Night Live performers- past and present- from being in any film for at least 1 calendar year. Eddie Murphys yearly embarrassments, Mike Myers Love Guru, Ferralls Semi-Pro, this madness must stop. These aren’t flops, these are outright embarrassments. Big difference. It seems that everytime I look up all I see are SNL excrements hurting my 5 senses. Seth Myers, Will Forte, Horatio Sanz, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, I can’t get away from them! The only one that gets a free pass is Robert Downey JR and thats only because of Ironman. Sorry what was I talking about? Oh yea Step Bros. If your allergic to the F-word don’t see this, it will give you hives. I haven’t heard this much cursing since the Tourettes jamboree I enjoyed so much. This is a Judd Apatow movie thru & thru. Another person who needs a vacation. It follows the Apatow pattern of being VERY R- rated for general raunchiness, bad language, full frontal male nudity but then will have a good lesson somewhere in it. If You’ve seen 40 Year Old Virgin, Walk Hard, Superbad, Knocked Up You know what I’m talking about. Step Bros. is very funny in a juvenile way which, luckily I like. Ferrall and John C. Reilly play 40 year old man-childs who live at home. When Ferralls Mom and Reillys Dad get married, the “boys” have to share a room and get competitive for attention. When Ferralls overachiving brother offers to sell their house so the parents can retire to a boat, the “boys” need to get jobs and grow up fast. Odd that the moral is that hard work=bad while being a stunted adolescent=good. The boy who wont grow up is a cmmon thread in most comedys the last few years. Apatow, Will Ferrall, Seth Rogan, all their carreers are based on this premise. I’m not sure what this means, being that I’m not a sociologist, but I did have a sociologist diease once. A shot of penicillan fixed me right up. Anyway Step Bros. is funny if you have thick skin and not with your kids. Right Barb. Step Bros. is not intended for anyone under, I dont know I’d say 10 years of age. Kidding. Next: Either another Apatow movie, Pineapple Express or The Mummy.