Uncle Northcott’s Movie Reviews

I don’t like “makeup” calls. In sports sometimes a referee will blow a call then intentionally miss a call to make it up. Missed calls are a part of life . . . deal with it. Now back in 1980 and 1990, Martin Scorsese was ripped off and did not win best director for Raging Bull and Goodfellas respectively. He didn’t. Sorry, bad call by the academy.

Well, they decided to do a “makeup call” and give him an undeserved best picture and best director for a 3 hour pile of filmed pigeon droppings called The Departed. My foodstuffs “departed” my body in a projectile manner during this puke-a-rama. Laughable actng, disappearing accents, plot holes, stupid, illogical behavior and the worst special effects rat in history.

The cops know they have an informant, and 1 guy is always on the phone when they’re planning a raid, and nobody suspects anything. The same bad cop leaves paperwork from the mob boss on his desk for anyone to see. The mob knows they have an informant, but that doesn’t stop the head guy from trusting the new guy in his crew. Plot holes and illogic throughout. There’s even a fight between 2 silver screen bad asses Leo Dicaprio and Matt Damon. I distinctly heard 1 break a nail and 1 get his maxi pad knocked loose.

After the above mentioned 2 movies, along with Mean Streets and Taxi Driver, this is not acceptable. Hey Martin, the way to get your career back on track is to get rid of dead weight, like oh, I dont know, maybe LEO DICAPRIO. He singlehandedly sank Gangs of New York and The Aviator. He’s not your muse, hes your refuse. A mannequin, only with less talent.

This is the worst best picture I’ve ever seen, and it’s exhibit A in why you dont do “makeup calls”.

Next: The Invasion

Well I decided not to kill myself after seeing  Sunshine, but I’ll still take sympathy cards and donations. Mostly donations, tho. I’ve decided not to be buried or cremated, I want a cannibalism funeral.

Anywho, Hot Rod is ok, I guess. It’s another tame PG-13 comedy. It has a few funny bits, but not much else. Andy Samberg makes great short films for Saturday Night Live like “Lazy Sunday” and ” Dick in a box”, but he doesn’t have the charisma to carry a 1 1/2 hour comedy. SNL alumni have wasted more celluloid than anyone not named Labeouf.

In the movie, Samberg is a wanna-be stuntman who needs to raise money so his step-dad can have heart surgery. He wants his step-dad to live, so he can beat him in a fight to get his respect. The usual problems, misunderstandings and redemption ensue. The same blueprint we’ve seen ad nauseam. Yawn. Everything revolves Samberg and totally wastes the great Ian Mcshane from “Deadwood”, the greater Isla Fisher, the crazy sister from “Wedding Crashers” and the greatest Will Arnett, the sole reason we should not bomb Canada.

You probably think Pam Anderson is why we shouldn’t bomb Canada but the 2 best things about her were made in the U.S.A. Besides shes not even the best Anderson–Gillian is. I’m sure You’ve noticed that I’m meandering here but theres just not much to say about Hot Rod. I can see why Will Ferrell passed on this. So if its 2 am and you’re flipping around Skinimax looking for boobs and Hot Rod is on, it may give You a chuckle.

Next: ?

“Sunshine on my shoulder makes me crash and burn like John Denver”. Was that insensitive? Hey, it’s a hard world in reviewing. Please excuse my language but HOLY TURD FART BUTT. I am so disappointed with this one I just had to vent.

Danny Boyle, who directed this garbage, did the great Trainspotting, Millions and the awesome 28 Days Later, but boy did he swing and miss with this one. The sun’s going out, and the Earth is starting to freeze, so some scientists are sent with a bomb the size of Manhattan to jump-start the sun. The movie joins them 16 months into the trip. The first ship that was sent dissappeared so this is part 2 of the idiot space express.

Now here’s the kicker, the first ship was named “Icarus 1″ and these cheeseheads are in “Icarus 2″. I’m sorry but I’m not going near the sun in anything named Icarus. If the ship’s named “Margarita” or “Palm Tree” or maybe even “Slip n’ Slide” . . . but not Icarus. The crew is the usual stereotypes: The Plant Lady, The Hotshot, The evolved sensitive man and woman, The Stoic Captain, The Loony Psychologist etc. They get a distress signal from Icarus 1, so instead of doing their duty and saving humanity, they side-trip to check out Icarus 1, and of course everything goes wrong. Then, amazingly it turns into a slasher movie. What a load.

Of course the 1 crew member who remmbers they have a job to do at any cost is portrayed as an unevolved troglodyte, while the wimps who endanger the mission are somehow more human. Bah. Even at 108 Min. it was so boring that the green exit sign to my left held my attention better. Awful, schizophrenic mess from some really good film talent. Sigh.

Next: After Sunshine I might review my own suicide

Not bad, shading toward pretty good.

The T.V. show is a shell of its former self, and the movie follows the same writing direction, even though they brought back writers from years ago. Basically, its one sight gag after another without much depth. I guess after nearly 2 decades there are not many stories left to tell.

Homer causes an ecological disaster that puts the family on the run from the townsfolk. There’s family crises, choices to be made and loyalties tested. I’m being vague in hopes that I don’t spoil to much of the humor. You can’t untell a joke.

The Krusty commercial for “The Clogger”, Bart’s nude skatebording, and Bart’s bonding with Flanders were well done. The family in Alaska slowed everything to a crawl and Marge yells a curse word that seemed out of place. “Damm” would have been ok, but a GD was a bit much coming from Marge.

Anyway the good outweighs the not-so-funny, and as we all know, every movie could use more Ralph Wiggum. If you’re a fan of the show, you know what to expect, but hey, its a brief 86 min. so you have nothing to lose.

Next: Sunshine

Hey, hello, how are ya? Well, the indestructible John McClane is back and more indestructible than ever! 30% more indestructible than the other action heroes!

Arnold? Please, all he did was fight a terminator. McClane fights the entire internet!

The Rock? Come on, all he did was beat up Stiffler from American Pie in The Rundown. Mac kills the badass sheriff from HBO’s Deadwood.

Jet Li? Oh whatever! Sure, he fought an entire army in Hero who were armed with arrows, swords and crazy kung fu, but Mac BEATS UP A FIGHTER JET!!! He killed it, killed it realll gooood.

As you probably surmised, Bruno Willis is trying to stop a cyber-terrorist, played by Tim Olyphant, who is trying to shut down the entire US. Bruno is sent to pick up a hacker (Justin Long, the Apple Mac guy) just as the bad guys show up and blow everything to heck. He then has to take him to Washington, D.C. so he can help stop the fire sale.

I know what your thinking–”sounds a lot like 16 blocks”. You are correct. Fistfights, gunfights and mayhem deluxe ensues as each set piece is bigger and louder than the last.

This is the first Die Hard to be rated PG-13 instead of R, so the blood and cursing is toned down. Kevin Smith has a small part, and Bruno is Bruno, but Justin Long is the standout here. So, yep, this is an over-the-top, bickering buddy movie instead of the lone wolf movie the first 2 Die Hards were. Live Free or Die Hard runs a little over 2 hours, but it moves fast — just leave your logic at the door.

The chemistry between Bruno and Long raise this up from mediocre minus to average plus. The real stand out scene is a fight in a cooling shaft between Bruno and a very acrobatic bad guy. A lesser Die Hard, but an O.K. summer popcorn movie. BTW its being called Die Hard 4.0 in Europe.

Next: Transformers. I hear there’s more than meets the eye.