Uncle Northcott's Movie Reviews

Retirement

unclemike — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 01:10:04 +0000

Well hello and goodbye everyone. I’ve decided to retire from reviewing. I sat down to write and nothing came to me except stuff I have already written. So THANKS to everyone who responded and maybe got a laugh out of this and a BIG THANKS to Craig for everything. Take care, God bless and enjoy the movies. Uncle Northcott

DVD’S

unclemike — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:12:27 +0000

Well I tried to see Tropic Thunder 2 weeks ago but 5 min. before showtime the box office was still closed! A Hills Have Eyes looking usher told us “the manager was running late”. Gee Ya think so John Merrick? So I got my truck inspected insted. Last week I was ill so maybe monday. Anyway I finishd the 2nd season of “Dexter” and if you haven’t seen this show its well worth renting. I also saw “Cloverfield,” an average monster movie. Fast forward is a must for that one. “Big Bad Wolf” is a below average werewolf movie that has a wise cracking monster. Big Bad Turd is more like it. “Day of the Dead” on the other hand is a funny zombie film thats worth seeing. The scene with a zombie military blockade shooting willy nilly like drunk rednecks was great. Also the new Toadies CD ” No Deliverance” is reeeeal good. I also bought Wilcos “A Ghost is Born.” Kind of like a funeral dirge but more somber. And less fun. Well maybe I can get out to see something this weekend. BTW a friend of mine “Stephanie” was front and center on Chriss Angels Mindfreak. Way to go Steph you totally classed up that show.

Star Wars-The Clone Wars

unclemike — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 00:41:56 +0000

If I had a dog I’d name him Jabba The Mutt. Anyway The Clone wars takes place long, long ago and far,far away. I think we are talking about the 1950s and somewhere near Waco. Not sure but moviewise this takes place between Episode 2: Attack of the Clones and Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. The war is raging between The Galactic Republic (soon to become the Empire, Boo Hiss) and the Confederacy of Independant Systems( The Jedi’s and soon to be the Rebels, Hurray). The Evil Count DooDoo, er I mean Dooku has outer rim criminal leader Jabba the Hutts son kidnapped. The idea is to frame the Jedi and then Jabba will let them use his trade routes. Anakin “Vader”Skywalker ( cartoon Anakin is a much more expressive actor than Hayden Christianson) gets sent to retrieve Jabba’s son, but before he leaves he gets saddled with Ahsoka Tano, a wisecracking, teenage girl trainee. And heres where it gets disturbing folks. Anakin is in his early 20s and secretly married to Princess Amidala ( cartoon Amidala is a much better actor than Nat Portman) and with the looks, banter and having to care for Junior Jabba like parents, their somewhat romantic interaction seems rather creepy. Careful Annie or you’ll be Skywalking to prison. Anakin, Tano and Obi-Wan have lightsabre fights and spaceship battles all the way back to Jabba’s hut to return Stinky Hutt. The animation is ok tho some of the humans look kind of box like, but overall alright. The voices are mostly new and good with Sam L. Jackson, Chris Lee and Tony Daniels as the only hold overs. Really this movie is a 98 min. preview for the Cartoon Network Clone War series this fall. Nonetheless this is an entertaining watch and new Star Wars is always welcome. Especially when George Lucas did not write any of it. Now if you will allow me to lower the mood for a moment I have an Earth shattering confession to make. Well here it goes: I HATE YODA. There, now its out in the open. I despised the little toad from the moment I laid eyes on it. From his speech ( take an english class you will) to his old wino gait, he’s a fraud! He gimps around till someone tries to lightsaber his green butt, THEN he suddenly remembers he can move like lightning. I call FAKER! FAKER FAKER BELLYACHER! Yoda is nothing but a short Jar-Jar Binks. Blah says I. If your in the mood to have a laugh, and who isn’t these days, both Family Guy and Robot Chicken have Star Wars parodys out on d.v.d now. The Clone Wars, check it out. Next: I’m not telling, You’ll have to wait. The suspense is killing me!

Pineapple Express

unclemike — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 01:41:13 +0000

I guess I’m to old cause I just dont get it. Whatever you call it, Grass, Pot, Weed, Ganja its allure escapes me. Its everywhere. Pro athletes seem to only be interested it Tats, Money and Weed. A UFC fighter named Nick Diaz tested positive after a big fight. He was fined 1/2 his pay, was suspended from fighting in Las Vegas, lost his contract and all the big money fights that came with it. So, did he quit smoking pot? No he somehow got a Doctor to say he has A.D.D and needs to smoke pot for medical reasons! The Navada commission still suspended him but the boy won’t quit no matter what. Ricky Williams lost a N.F.L career because pot was more important to him. Crazy. I’m not on a soapbox I’m just confused. Pineapple Express is a stoner comedy about a drug dealer and his favorite customer. This is, if my math is correct the millionth movie that Judd Apatow has been involved in this year. Seth Rogan is a process server who buys his weed from James Franco. After getting the rare Pineapple Express weed, Rogan goes to serve papers but stops to smoke a joint outside the guys house. While smoking Rogan sees the guy and a Woman Cop shoot a man. Rogan panics, throws the joint out and speeds away. Well lo and behold the shooter is Francos pot source and he recognizes the half smoked joint. Sounds hilarious don’t it? The rest of the movie is one long chase scene punctuated by gruesome violence. Now don’t get me wrong, I loves me some gruesome violence, like ears shot off then someone tries to puzzle it back together. A guy getting crushed between 2 cars then getting his foot shot off. A guy getting shot over and over again but never dying. Funny stuff huh? Your right its not. Theres a couple of amusing parts but thats all folks. I thought it was me but there were 9 men and 1 woman in the theater and they weren’t laughing either. Dont belive the hype, this sucks. When I saw 2 SNL cretins and Evil Apatow in the credits I saw the writing on the wall. If you want funny Apatow, Rogan and Franco then rent “Freeks and Geeks,” a good T.V show they did a few years ago. Next: No Apatow- No SNL, as a matter of fact no real humans at all. The animated Star Wars- The Clone Wars is next. Once again Star Wars saves the day! Is there anything Star Wars can’t do? I think not.

Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

unclemike — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:21:27 +0000

Brendan Fraser STILL has a big head. After my brilliant piece of investigative journalism where I fearlessly exposed the “Fraser head” cover-up, you would think something would have been done by now. Soak the thing in ice water, use cgi effects or radical experimental plastic surgery maybe. Rest easy folks your intreped reporter will stay on this case (at great pesonal risk) as long as necessary. Or till his next movie. Or I get bored. Speaking of unnecessary, what the Sam Hill is Jet Li and the great Michelle Yeoh doing in this celluloid barfbag? The Chinese embassy should protest. Li and Yeoh have been in some of the best chop socky Asia has to offer. If their speaking Chinese and it looks like the movie cost $50 to make, its a keeper. I guess it was a good payday. Poor Michelle is in a Vin Diesel movie soon. First Fraser then Diesel. Wow that twosome will suck the talent out of anyone. Their both talent blackholes. I guess its not so bad for Jet since 75% of his screen time he’s hidden by cheeseball cgi as a dragon, mummy or something from “Where the Wild Things Are.” Good kids book by the way. In this the third (rhymes with turd coincidence? I think not) Mummy movie the O’Connells, played by Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello have retired to a home in jolly old England. Their 20 something son has quit collage to look for the Dragon Emperor so he can escape his parents shadow. After finding frozen Jet Li and his terra cotta soldiers, the O’Connells are asked to take a gemstone to ShangHai. The same stone some fanatic Chinese military types want so they can resurrect the undead Jet. Riveting stuff. After Jet wakes up, very cranky I might add, he heads to Shangri-la to become immortal. The O’Connells, with a couple of 3,000 year old mummy guardians and some Yeti give chase. Yes its so stupid my brain leaked out my ears and tried to make a break for it. This movie is nothing but loud, frantic bad cgi effects geared for pre-teens. Like Indy Jones and X-Files this is a sequel that doesn’t need to exist. All 3 are just a sad money grab that insults the first films. The only one that came out ok from this mess is the monkey hot Rachel Weisz. She played Frasers wife in the first two and was smart enough to pass on this. This is rated PG-13 and is a little under 2 hours. Not that it matters when your going to show good sense to avoid this. Next: Pineapple Express

Step Brothers

unclemike — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 02:01:46 +0000

I want a moratorium on Saturday Night Live performers- past and present- from being in any film for at least 1 calendar year. Eddie Murphys yearly embarrassments, Mike Myers Love Guru, Ferralls Semi-Pro, this madness must stop. These aren’t flops, these are outright embarrassments. Big difference. It seems that everytime I look up all I see are SNL excrements hurting my 5 senses. Seth Myers, Will Forte, Horatio Sanz, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, I can’t get away from them! The only one that gets a free pass is Robert Downey JR and thats only because of Ironman. Sorry what was I talking about? Oh yea Step Bros. If your allergic to the F-word don’t see this, it will give you hives. I haven’t heard this much cursing since the Tourettes jamboree I enjoyed so much. This is a Judd Apatow movie thru & thru. Another person who needs a vacation. It follows the Apatow pattern of being VERY R- rated for general raunchiness, bad language, full frontal male nudity but then will have a good lesson somewhere in it. If You’ve seen 40 Year Old Virgin, Walk Hard, Superbad, Knocked Up You know what I’m talking about. Step Bros. is very funny in a juvenile way which, luckily I like. Ferrall and John C. Reilly play 40 year old man-childs who live at home. When Ferralls Mom and Reillys Dad get married, the “boys” have to share a room and get competitive for attention. When Ferralls overachiving brother offers to sell their house so the parents can retire to a boat, the “boys” need to get jobs and grow up fast. Odd that the moral is that hard work=bad while being a stunted adolescent=good. The boy who wont grow up is a cmmon thread in most comedys the last few years. Apatow, Will Ferrall, Seth Rogan, all their carreers are based on this premise. I’m not sure what this means, being that I’m not a sociologist, but I did have a sociologist diease once. A shot of penicillan fixed me right up. Anyway Step Bros. is funny if you have thick skin and not with your kids. Right Barb. Step Bros. is not intended for anyone under, I dont know I’d say 10 years of age. Kidding. Next: Either another Apatow movie, Pineapple Express or The Mummy.

X-Files 2 I Want to Believe

unclemike — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:49:55 +0000

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank You for coming on this sad occasion. Would everyone please rise, Gentlemen remove your hats and lets have a moment of silence for the dear departed X-Files. Its passed away and should have a closed casket funeral. A closed theater would be a better choice. The X-Files were, at one time, a giant of creativity in its first 7 years. It then sputtered to an end in seasons 8-9. The alien mythology was muddled and the overall writing had gone south, so after 1 bad movie the show should have gone into eternal rest and all us Philes could remember the good times. Genius episodes like “Humbug”, “Jose Chung”, ” Clyde Bruckman”, “Bad Blood” Etc. These always bring a smile to my face. Then, like a zombie in a George Romero film, the X-Files are again stalking the Earth. After almost a decade on the shelf and The Files now a distant memory comes “I Want to Believe.” It should be titled ” I Cant Believe this Dreck was Made.” Its not the worst movie ever, but like the most recent Indy Jones movie theres no point to it. These movies add nothing to their legacy, only tarnish them. Like a very average X-Files T.V. episode, Mulder & Scully have left the F.B.I. Scully is now a surgeon while Mulder is basically doing nothing. When an F.B.I Agent goes missing and the only lead the bureau has is a defrocked Priest who says he’s a psychic. The Agent in charge asks for Mulders help since He’s worked cases like this before. Soon others go missing and their in the middle of a seriel case. Scully, in the meantime, is trying to save a boy with a brain disease. The whole movie is about belief, hope, trust and never giving up. Fine, but at least be scary, fun, interesting or anything but this joyless dirge. This is badly written, illogical and when its at its supposedly most horrifying moment, its laughable. When I first heard about X-Files 2 the first thing I did was find out who wrote it. Uh oh its by Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz. When series creator Carter was working on other projects he left The Files in Spotnitz less than capable hands. Spotnitz then did everything in his power to run the show into the ground. His scripts and choices of storylines were awful, and sadly nothings changed. I knew without seeing a single frame The X-Files 2 would be bad. So lets bow our heads. Lets shed a few tears and forget the sad ending of our dear friend and remember the good times we had with Mulder& Scully. Lets also pray that the X-Files Zombie never rises again. Its gone. Let it rest in peace. Goodbye my friend. Amen. Next: Step Brothers

Journey to the center of the Earth 3D

unclemike — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 02:42:12 +0000

Brendan Fraser sure has a big box head. In 2D its big, but in 3D it reminds me of Easter island statues. I can say that because in here theres no statue of limitations. HA HA. I dont dislike the guy but Man O Manacheviz thats a big head. Box head plays a scientist whos brother vanished 10 years ago. Saddled with his petulant nephew (reminds me of my nephew. Yes the same one who wouldn’t take me to see Batman) Cabasa Gigante seismographs go off, so him and the boy head off to Iceland to find their Bro/Father. The Great Box Head hires a hot guide (natch) and they head up the mountain. A lightning storm traps them in a cave and soon their following clues to the Earths core. If they were nasty about the trip would that make them rotten to the core? HA HA. Sorry I’ve been tapping into the cider again. I dont want to spoil anything so I’ll let the movie spring its surprises on you itself. Theres some nice set pieces and the 3D looks good. Of course theres things coming at you. Spooky spooky. The kids in the theater seemed to enjoy it and since its primarily for them I wont be harsh about the film. Its really just 90 min. of cool 3D effects. I still think Crate & Barrel Head peaked in Encino Man. I wouldn’t watch this without the 3D but its suitable for the whole family. Even the creepy cousin you keep locked in the root cellar. After the film I got a wicked bad headache. I’m not sure if it was the 3D glasses or sinus. When Brendan Fraser gets a headache Hollywood sends out tsunami warnings. And might kill the lad. Next: Either X-Files 2 or Step Brothers. I’m very wary about Step Bros. This is Will Ferrells 2nd R-rated comedy after Semi-Pro and that one gave me a cholera expulsion.

The Dark Knight

unclemike — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 23:01:19 +0000

Overrated dreck. This train wreck made me miss the greatness of Adam West and Cesar Romero. HA HA fooled You. This is the best Batman, Superhero, Graphic Novel (comic book) movie and one of the best films I’ve seen in many a moon. You’ve seen the commercials so I wont re-cap the plot, so let me just say see it for the classic elements of responsibility, love, image, perception, need, honour and yes insanity. Heath Ledger gives a great performance as Joker. This is NOT the goofy, campy Jokers of lore. This is a whole differant animal all together. Joker is worth the price of admission alone. The Dark Knight is a sweeping epic. A must see. The preview for another Terminator looked ok. Makes me miss Arnold Sausage-Maker. Now the preview for Watchmen looked great. I’m going to have to read the graphic novel (comic book) cause I have no idea what was happening. An awesome Brit comedy series is finally released here. Its “Spaced” the complete series., Its written by and starring Simon Pegg. Very funny and very surreal. Next: Journy to the center of the earth 3d.

Hellboy 2

unclemike — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:37:17 +0000

The greatness of Guillermo Del Toros imagination is in full force here. If You’ve seen Pans Labyrinth You know what I mean. Too bad He did’ent imagine a better story. They call him Hell BOY cause in this movie he’s whiny, petulant and sulks pretty much thru the whole movie. All the original actors are back in this tale of the Golden Army. A few millennia ago humans had a war with the Faires, Trolls, Elves and the like. Basically a war against the Lord Of The Rings cast. Orlando Bloom mostly. Especially Orlando Bloom. The Elf King had an invincible Golden Army built, but after seeing all the bloodshed the King made a truce with mankind. Humans get the cities and his people get the forest. The crown that controls the Golden Army was then broken into 3 pieces, 1 for Humans and 2 for himself. The Kings son, angry at the truce, goes into exile till he can get the crown pieces and lead the Golden Army. Flash forward a few hundred years and the Prince starts his collection. Hellboys Father died in part 1 so now HB is uncontrollable, so the Government (USA USA) assigns a new leader to the team, Johann Krauss a German whos made entirely out of mist. Or smoke. Or gas I’m not really sure. Soon the by the book German Gasman (Ger-gas?) and HB are at odds. So is HB and Gal Pal Fire Girl Liz. So theres lots of bickering between action scenes. Luckily the action scenes are vintage Del Toro. A Troll market, the Elf Kings cave and the lair of the Golden Army are all masterfully realised with amazing creatures thru-out. Also on display is Del Toros love of gears, both the look and movement of them. A fight among giant moving gears that create a maze like arena is some great stuff. Go for the visuals, wade thru the melodrama. HellBoy 2 is rated PG-13 and is a shade under 2 hours. See this on the big screen. The preview for the next Bond movie looked good. The one for Death Race-not so much. Next: Oh let me see I don’t know. Oh yea BATMAN!!!!!!!